Abundance∣ Life ∣ Self-Growth
Do we know what we want?
“My life doesn’t look how I want it to look,” I said aloud. “And I’m not talking about aesthetics. I guess it’s a feeling too. I don’t feel like myself. I’m not miserable per se. It’s just….” I paused.
“Not what you want?” Roslyn asked.
I nodded my head. “I mean, I have a lot to be grateful for. It’s just that after attending one funeral after another.” I took a deep breath my heart was so heavy. “Got me thinking. Really got me thinking.”
Those were the words I told my bestie a few days before I began my Year of Redirecting in 2020. The journey took a year and a half. During those 18 months, I made a mental shift that transformed how I navigate my life and see my world.
Before my Year of Redirecting, I made myself available to everyone and everything but me. If someone needed or wanted something, I made myself available.
I have since discovered that I was running around being a superhero because I wasn’t tuned in to what I wanted. Being a superhero permitted me to put all my dreams and goals on the back burner of my life.
At one point, nearly two years, I was working from home as a ghostwriter and simultaneously bumping a baby on my knee. No, it wasn’t my child. The child belonged to a relative who had to choose between childcare or the roof over their heads. I stepped in.
Yes, I was writing and earning a nice income as a ghostwriter. I worked with six clients consistently over almost eight years. And yes, I was helping out someone I loved, but I wasn’t fulfilled.
Here I was, this college graduate who had developed “exemplary” programs for Tanf (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), the Department of Education, and CSAP (Center for Substance Abuse Prevention), and I was bumping someone else's child and writing good work without a byline, a credit, nothing.
After a panic attack and a few bouts of anger, I asked myself, “How the hell did I get here?”
Redirecting my life was paramount.
And later, I would find out, so was healing.