Abundance∣ Life ∣ Self-Growth

How I Stay Tuned to My Heart’s Desire

Carmellita
7 min readFeb 8, 2022

--

Do we know what we want?

Tune in to who you really are and you will know the true desires of your heart.
Tuned in For Real” Designed by Author (Carmellita) in Canva

“My life doesn’t look how I want it to look,” I said aloud. “And I’m not talking about aesthetics. I guess it’s a feeling too. I don’t feel like myself. I’m not miserable per se. It’s just….” I paused.

“Not what you want?” Roslyn asked.

I nodded my head. “I mean, I have a lot to be grateful for. It’s just that after attending one funeral after another.” I took a deep breath my heart was so heavy. “Got me thinking. Really got me thinking.”

Those were the words I told my bestie a few days before I began my Year of Redirecting in 2020. The journey took a year and a half. During those 18 months, I made a mental shift that transformed how I navigate my life and see my world.

Before my Year of Redirecting, I made myself available to everyone and everything but me. If someone needed or wanted something, I made myself available.

I have since discovered that I was running around being a superhero because I wasn’t tuned in to what I wanted. Being a superhero permitted me to put all my dreams and goals on the back burner of my life.

At one point, nearly two years, I was working from home as a ghostwriter and simultaneously bumping a baby on my knee. No, it wasn’t my child. The child belonged to a relative who had to choose between childcare or the roof over their heads. I stepped in.

Yes, I was writing and earning a nice income as a ghostwriter. I worked with six clients consistently over almost eight years. And yes, I was helping out someone I loved, but I wasn’t fulfilled.

Here I was, this college graduate who had developed “exemplary” programs for Tanf (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), the Department of Education, and CSAP (Center for Substance Abuse Prevention), and I was bumping someone else's child and writing good work without a byline, a credit, nothing.

After a panic attack and a few bouts of anger, I asked myself, “How the hell did I get here?”

Redirecting my life was paramount.

And later, I would find out, so was healing.

What Was I Tuned Into?

--

--

Carmellita

Writer, Poet, Storyteller, & Scholar. Co-founder of http://bluelotusliving.com. BA in Speech Communication. Former ghostwriter who came back to life.